Voices from Within

HQ Lunch at Swissotel at Raffles City - Thai Cuisine

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Had a lunch appointment with my fellow colleagues at Swissotel. It was a last minute lunch arrangement on the day before by K. Six person in all... Lunch was intensive which I didn't really enjoy.

Topics and conversations were 'flying swords' that attacked dear S most of the times. I know it's hurtful, but it's needed to be brought across in order for one to learn. Work hard and you will be free from it... Work was being discussed 80% of the time with 60% of follow-up needed. Just imagine, and I kinda dread it as I thought it was a lunch for bonding, chit-chatting, gathering etc, but it turned out to be so otherwise.

Best is, it turned out to be a belated and advance birthday celebration for E and I respectively when a cake appeared on the table. It was a strawberry short-cake, from a well-known bakery. Though not picky, cream is definitely not in my list due to up and going weighing scale. All in all, thanks K for all the arrangement, from arranging for the lunch, to getting the cake and effort to plan. Sad to say, I am appreciative towards the planning...but in a way or another I'm disappointed by the 'agenda'?

Well... heck! I am used to disappointment, aren't I? It has happened once, and a 2nd time means no harm to me anymore. I am an easy going person, if nothing has been done, I'm still fine and perfectly happy with it. I do not like big bangs nor hu-ha! Believe me, I'm not saying that the grapes are sour just because I can't have it. I do not expect anything but please do not do something and leave me a bad impression or memory to take back with? This kind of feeling is madness...

I am not happy and it's not right to have such a birthday lunch to recall or share with when one asked what was being done during your birthday? Shall I just answer a late lunch with lots of topic on work, and tasks over a lunch post 'celebration'? I guess, a kopi-tiam dinner with a plate of Chicken Rice with my buddies would leave me a better memory. Come to think of it, I should have kept quiet and move on with life. Why keep harping on something which will make me upset for 60sec? I should just make myself happy for that 1 min. Food was average, and I guess... it's the companion? I am not picky but I don't find it nice and will not recommend anyone one to try out the food.

K and S both did a DIY birthday card for me, and it was good enough... Thanks!

I know you are reading and felt unworthy for me, but no worries. I know what I am doing, who is good to me and who is taking me for granted. Please do not feel that my work life sucks as I do have wonderful colleagues and friends around me. I will not talk about the things that I do not want to remember and I will wake up daily, to be glad that I am alive and healthy. Though I'm not wealthy, but I am richer then many others in the world.

The heart's cold, it's just another beautiful mistake. 11:29 AM

Full moon, Thaipusam, Principles of Accounting and Unlucky!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I am simply speechless. Today was a day with a huge, round and perfect moon up in the clear sky. It was a bad day, as I have had the urge to go over to East Coast park to study and enjoy the nice view. But, based on my last blog posting~ I have decided to be good and attend class so i dumped that idea and left office early. With that, I had also plan to go over to Starhub with the SCV box to terminate my cable TV plan once the lesson ended to save an additional trip for Dad.

Had everything in place and left my desk. Waited for the same bus that could bring me to Park Mall by 7.10pm (latest), and the journey was smooth till we turn in to SMU near the YMCA. The traffic was terrible due to road closure to celebrate the Indian's festive - Thaipusam along Penang Road. 2 road lanes became 1 with the buses, cars and people jamming as one. Imagine that... 6 buses in a row and I'm on the 7th bus. Time clicking away, and by 7.10; we are still jammed at YMCA!

Passengers alighted in the middle of the jam, which I didn't as I wasn't still aware of what was happening. Patiently, I sat down and pray that the bus would move. But never did it, and as I was getting impatient - I rang the bell and walked to the uncle to ask which road will the lane closure end.

Uncle simply looked at me and said "I don't know".

So it's okay, "Uncle? Can I alight?"

He looked at me again... "Why didn't you alight just now?"

The conversation went on and I realized the stop which I used to alight is also CLOSED! Damn it... no choice but to take the bus till Somerset, and took a train back to Dohby Ghuat.

Back to my plan to go Starhub, Dad did not pass me the billing which I made a wrong transfer and I'm too pissed to go and have the termination then. Thus, after much hesitation, I headed to the NEL and took a train back to meet Dad. I should have just stayed in the office, and not think of going to school. Wasted my time to travel from Bugis to Somerset using 1 HOUR. First time in my life~ Once again, I missed my lesson but at least I tried.

It was just an unlucky day, with all the ruined plans. This is what it will happen when one is down, to add fuel to the fire. Hope you had a better day, I'm tired but don't feel like closing my eyes. 24 hours is never sufficient...

The heart's cold, it's just another beautiful mistake. 11:59 PM

Time to be disciplined!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

I have promised and set my mind to study hard and put in my utmost effort this semester. No more truant, no more excuses nor dozing off in class. It all seems so easy by the mention of it... However, it is just tough and almost impossible. It is already the second week of a new semester, and I have only attended one lesson out of six. I just missed my Accounts tutorial... I'm a gone case if I continue in this manner.

I am tired, restless, mentally drained, and data totally overloaded everyday. I can't bring myself to school and almost have to dragged myself to class every once. It's BAD! I know and I am trying very hard to rectify and catch up. I know I have to buck up this semester, if not... I'm not going to pass, and will fail in a very bad state. I do not want to waste my time but I just cannot do it! I need to be disciplined and have perfect time management... I have, need and WANT to!

With the right motivation, passion and direction, I will be able to do it!

I know you are concern and irritated whenever I skipped classes... I know I have to pull up my socks, but it's not working. Do not have to worry about my studies, I am in the mist of recovering and sorting out my thougtime-table. "When I said I will, I'll promise to deliver it!"

The heart's cold, it's just another beautiful mistake. 11:42 PM

Time for a quick getaway - Sentosa & Hair Dye

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Been ages since I stepped onto the grounds of Sentosa island, with a good tan. Did a quick grocery shop, with biscuits, Tuna, tit-bitsand last minute purchase of a beach towel at Vivovity GIANT.

We took the new train system from Vivocity, beside Food Republic and alighted directly at the Beach station. It was a fast trip, no more transferring from one bus to another to reach Sentosa and short trip via tram to the beach spots. Loved the new route as it was simply, too convenient. We'll just need to hop on the train and a bus to the beach!

Settled down at Palawan Beach after going over to Siloso Beach as it was too crowded. We need to hide at a place until we slimmed down. Ha-ha! Took many photos and the sun was good though it rained for a while. The sun was beaming right from the top and it has really been time since i sat under the sunlight.

Stayed on the beach for 2hours and left to CY neighbourhood to dye my hair. It was a bad experience during the process of my hair-dye. Kind of regret, but well, it's already over. Initial plan was to cut my hair, then dye if result is still the 'dry-look' due to my highlight,perm and colored treatments. However, things became the opposite as the hairdresser was rushing for time. She kept asking which hair color, what type, cut or not to~ really pissed me off... When I stepped in, I already decided not to let them touch my hair, but to save time and since CY is already cutting and going to dye her hair, recommended me to do... a screw came loose from my brain and I actually asked for a dye, and I 'died'. Decision on the hair-color was in a rush and it's my first time man, everything was in such a short notice and I've had my hair messed up by someone in a rush (who left halfway) and in an irritating and noisy family hair business salon.

It was chaotic during the whole process, people scolding, talking loudly, eating dinner, discussing football bets, gossips, shouting in a typical family gathering. Already I am, pissed with everything, I tried to pace myself by closing my eyes and watching TV. God knows, it's that bad till I can't concentrate on either one! Best thing is, when I turned slightly to face the mirror instead of the TV, her brush - full of dye, splattered on my face. F***! I starred at her and she apologized non-stop. That was how rush she is, to not even be able to react when I turned back slightly. She splattered my hair with her dye, not even bothering to leave an inch to avoid touching my scalp. I have to even tell her, not to do so as it will be itchy and hairs will drop, which she nodded, and continued what she is doing. Not even aluminium strips to hold the hair, nor clips to sort out the layers.

All she did was just to ensure that all her dye are used up, with my head fully covered with the dye. It just sucks! After the dye, the lady left for dinner and it was one-man show for the lady boss with a ratio of 1:3 plus her conversation with her mother, customers, daughter, friends and dinner during the waiting time. Hair wash was a flop, without even using conditioner, treatment with most of the solution dripping onto the floor (there goes half of my money paid for that tub of treatment lotion) and same goes for blowing of hair, I had to put on my own color treatment cream and comb it... $60.00 for this and serious, thought broke, I'd rather pay more for better services, elsewhere! No more unknown neighbourhood salon - NEVER!!! Luckily I only dyed, if I did cut it, I can't imagine the consequences - Call me picky or spoilt, my hair are just too precious to me!

I can't blame CY, knowing her style but it's just BAD and UNCOMFORTABLE. Everything was in a rush, and they can see my BLACKEN face... I would never allow someone to touch my hair if she is in a rush, I made a huge mistake this time. Sigh...

I am not adventurous, I dyed blue-black this time and it's black in fact. It's weird to be in black but it's good as an image to present...

The heart's cold, it's just another beautiful mistake. 2:55 AM

Clubbing with my beloved sisters...

Friday, January 11, 2008

It was a day of shopping with S after shopping and hanging around after work to kill time. Meeting the girls at 8.30pm and plently of time to kill... Arranged to meet at Vivocity and head to St James for a night of partying. To sum up, it was night of enjoyment with great music and bonding... Everything was nice but L got drunk, quite badly and out of control. Left early and sent her back home and finally got her onto her bed after a big hu-ha. Understood that she's very stressed over work and relationship, so I don't blame her. Hoped that a night of partying, losing oneself, throwing and thunder-storm with some dead-sleeping, will make her feel better and get back to reality.

Dear sisters, 2 da jie (M & L) and 1 xiao mei (CY) for the birthday gift, it was a lovely present filled with memories. How we wished we could be back to those times... Though it was done in a rush, I really appreciated it. Thanks for making time out of your hectic work schedule to put in the bits and pieces of things and memories that we had... It will and has become part of friendship. *Hugz*

Weird to have you missing in action after a tiring night of mine... It's good, as I have learn to be independent, managed to send L home myself and I've reached home safely, still!

The heart's cold, it's just another beautiful mistake. 5:17 AM

2008 - Birthday (without you)

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

After what has happened the past few weeks, I am really not in the mood to celebrate my birthday. I am not feeling well, been feeling giddy and felt like fainting and thus, was on MC on this fateful day; 9 January 2008. How undesirable... There was also a strong urge to escape from reality, I had no wish to face nor strength to overcome it, Yes~ I am still affected by the previous incident.

CY was really nice to suggest that we should meet up, skip lesson and have a good dinner on my birthday. It has been decided way before, and frankly speaking, I've tried all means and excuses to cancel many a times, but she insisted on meeting. Knowing that I would be at home, and that I am feeling really down, she just want to make sure that I am OK, and happy on my birthday. WS came over, met me for my change of bank application for my interbank GIRO and Dad's car insurance renewal. Headed to East Coast Resort to check out information for his gf's birthday party, and then, fetched CY for dinner at Pasir Ris. Decided to leave for East Coast and settled for dinner at Waraku, not fantastic but okay.

CY got a bowl of Ebi Udon, which she ate only half. (the bowl is BIG, two times her face size). Appetite was really not good, and only ordered Sushi, Chawamushi and Aga Deshi Tofu to share... Tried raw Tuna for the first time, not very nice! It feels like raw minced meat. There were also Octopus and raw Tuna with RAW mini egg, which WS has to eat since CY and I would not ever dare to try that~ Dinner was overall good, except for some weird moments as CY and WS met for the first time. Topics were limited and entertaining... Talked about everything, from work to personal, to business and crapppp! Thanks for the companion, your presence alone is sufficient and appreciated!

Had a struggle with CY trying to plan where to go after dinner. Finally, we decided to head to East Coast park, as I really need some fresh air, stars starring, and sea breezing. Whenever I am unhappy, the strong urge to hear the sea waves, feel the breeze, count the stars and stare at the sky would always be there... It makes me happier for that moment, and realized that the world is beautiful after all. Chatted with CY for the longest time, on everything that we can think of, it was a beautiful night that brought us closer once again... Work is one of the topic, which we spur each other, to move on and work harder, console and support each other as well as pour out all our woes to the border-less sea, for it to bring it away with the waves. Family too, we shared the common issues encountered and unlock the mystery of human wonders, with many unknown. We are still young I guess... Never know what the adults are thinking. Next comes money, relationship and studies...

True enough - When silence sets in, one should not feel uncomfortable if your partner is a close friend of yours... with CY, I would never feel weird. When silence sets in, we understand, and never have to worry that we have nothing to talk about.

My friends, I have received your messages. Thanks for making the effort for all the greetings and well-wishes.

My colleagues, I know you girls are too busy to remember. The daily care and concern are already more than anything. Thanks for being there, and always on the look out and checking on me whenever I am 'abnormal'. Every "You are OK?, "Don't stress", "Take it with stride", "You can do it". "Think carefully" and "Good Luck" etc are already wonderful gifts that I've received subconciously!

Grand official opening date for Terminal 3, 9 January 2008, 21 years after my birth. Way to go and all the best!

To you, Thanks for all the support and messages. Though you are not with me on this day, I know that you cared. Do not worry about me... Every obstacles, challenges, problems, sadness, and tears dropped, will make me a better person!

The heart's cold, it's just another beautiful mistake. 3:35 AM

Careless Mistake - Trust

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

I've made a very costy mistake, of $600.00. I have learnt my lesson and will remember this in my heart. No matter how truthful, honest, upright you are OR how good your memory is, it is always falliable when it comes to topic with money. I trusted that person so much, so much so that I do not know that a table can be flipped just like that. Trust is no longer valid here, but black and white always work. I do not know why, but I am very upset. It's not the lost of money, but the lost of trust. It has happened once when I first joined the company, a bad case of losing trust which hurts me directly which did not bite me directly. But again, it happened once again! I am being hurt and biten; and i mean RIGHT ON THE SPOT!

I have never had such a bad birthday week, it was such a sucky week. There are always so much to say, but it never once came out from my mouth successfully. I refuse to grow... and I want to stay simple. I trust you, you trust me... As simple as that, is it that difficult?

2nd day: Hope you are doing fine. I'm doing good though the negative entry. I am strong yeah...

The heart's cold, it's just another beautiful mistake. 9:30 PM

Mixture of Feelings

Saturday, January 5, 2008

January - Started the month with lots and mixtures of feelings. I admit, I'm overwhelmed at work and I'm burnout. To the extend that I no longer know what I am doing and at the stage of giving up. I started off with a clear goal, knowing where to move on, what to achieve and how to attain everything. It has been a year plus and different things happened daily and different experiences are gained every other day. Motivation dies off, passion disappeared and the energy in me dipped as fast as the winter temperature. This is not good, I know and I have been trying hard to stand up and get back on my feet. However, no matter how much I do, how hard I work to get the things done, how positive I think and how I tried to persuade myself, I just can't do it. The things that are coming in are thrice as fast as each outgoing task. I no longer know how to continue and what are the things that I can do to revive every other things.

My eyes are teary somehow... I am not giving up yet my heart told me to. I cant fight back with reasons as I felt that I am lying to myself. When others say, why persist? I replied with a good positive stand, but when I am alone, when I recall and think through the questions, I started asking myself too. "why?", "Is there a need?", "Is that what I really wanted?"... Is this a common phase for everyone to go through? Am I just unlucky or it's just life? I'm lost... as lost as I am, I am still fighting. BUT... am i doing it right?

Gonna be alone for the next 6 months, and I'll be missing you...

The heart's cold, it's just another beautiful mistake. 11:15 PM

New year, New beginning for 2008?

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Time flies and it's 1 Jan 2008 in a blink! Bidding goodbye to '07 and welcoming '08 has been a tough job for me. It is never easy to start afresh... Many told me to look forward to a better year, take a step forward to the brand new year, and leaving all my worries and unhappiness behind. I will definitely try hard to do so, but am I able to?! 2007 has been a fruitful year as well as a tiring year for me. As tiring as i wonder if I would still have the energy to move ahead with all the well-wishes. That is the year that I have gained lots of new experiences, tons of first time in my life, and countless ups-and-downs! It was never easy to move on and I'm really glad that, no matter what I've gone through, best advices and support would reach me whenever I'm deep down in the pit. No matter who you are, I'd really like to say a word of sincere "Thank you!" to you. Without you guys, I might have given up, I might have not stood up and I might be still dreaming. Thanks all! Really appreciated for all the advices and hands that have been reached out to me!
To everyone that have been with me, my sincere apologies if I have been unbearable those days. Thanks for being understanding, caring and around me, always!

Well, summary as follows for 2007 to end and set a closure for everything is definitely needed to start anew with a right set of attitude.

1. First CNY celebration in my new house!
2. First trip to China and stepped into Beijing and Weihai.
3. First experience in weather below 10 degree celcius.
4. First nude experience and being soak in mineral water with all other China lady - it was quite a bad experience... I bathed at least 3 times!
5. First time being an 'Ah Yi' upon the birth of my darling nephew - Travis!
6. First time to attend a function on a yatch - it was 'shaky'...
7. First mock exam which I might not do well with even a pass, but at least, I did tried my best...

Of course, the list could just continue especially with all the downtimes. However, I shall not mention for I choose to only remember the moon and the stars that shines high!

Now, for the year of 2008! I'm positive but my energy level is low... it always seems like there are numberless of task pending. Lesson's starting AGAIN, yet I did not do as per promised to read through the notes, multi-tasking and late nights has always been my companion, tons of projects right ahead to kick-start for 2008 and my personal life is screwed. It has been a while since i sat down to think through what I really wanted... and I mean it. Moving forward, I am still looking for that small little beam of light to bring me to the right path...

I desire for freedom, enlightenment and happiness... I yearn to spend more time with all the precious little ones around me, treasure what I have and I promise, to not indulge in work. As much as I hoped to have everything in place, as much as I hoped this will be a good year for everyone, I'm afraid - that my soul alone is not sufficient.

This is not a good blog, but I will strive for the best, with the hope that things will run smoothly. I'm worried, and still bringing along my worries with me... When can I let go?

The heart's cold, it's just another beautiful mistake. 11:58 PM